One of my good friends recently chose to end her life. None of her family or friends had the slightest clue or were aware of the smallest alert or signal that she could have been entertaining such a bitter exit.
My friend had lost her husband to cancer five years ago. Even though she had been well surrounded by her loving family and many friends, this was not enough to nourish her will to keep on living. She had given us all the impression that she had accepted her husband's death and that she had moved on with her life.
My friend sold her previous home to move closer to her family. She had retired early from a career that was causing her more grief and anxiety then joy and bought a secondary home in Florida so that she could escape our grey and cold Canadian winters. Wherever she went, she would always quickly make new friends.
Being blessed with financial abundance and freedom, she was able to travel to France with friends, went on a recent cruise etc...overall, she seemed very content with her new life. During the past year, my friend met a man and fell in love. They were even recently speaking of a possible mariage this coming summer.
Unfortunately, her new way of life had created some distance with her long time and past friends. Emails and telephone messages would go unanswered for long periods of time and every once in a while she would get back in touch with some of us.
Her visits became annually, birthdays and special occasions at times forgotten due to her having become very busy. However, I was very happy for her, and understood that she seemed to want to start to build anew, and longed to be free from her past. Now that I am slowly getting over the schock of her sudden death, and I am simply looking back at all of this, I can see how in a way, my friend may had kept herself very busy doing lots of things in order to try and find meaning and purpose for her life.
I now feel that she may not have truly dealt with the death of her husband. I am not so sure that she had given herself the necessary time and space to mourn his death. I now remember several conversations during which my friend shared with me her not knowing what to do now with her free time. She was looking for a purpose for something that would have meaning. During some of these conversations, I had shared with her how I felt that having Faith in Life was of great importance and that this Faith would in turn generate hope and open the way for a higher purpose.
Unfortunately, I discovered during these past conversations, that my friend was angry with life and chose to no longer believe in a God nor in her spiritual inner essence. In her suffering, she had chosen to disconnect from the inner source and had kept herself very busy trying to FIX her life, believing that outer things, people or situations, would bring her comfort and ease the pain and suffering that was constantly brewing within her.
I don't think she realized that the hope, strength, comfort and healing would come from within, from the very source that she had chosen to disconnect from.
I will miss my good friend and I wish she would have simply reached out for help and guidance to find the way out of the very dark space that she found herself in. What I feel that she may not have realized, is that her life had purpose and meaning all along. She had made a difference in her late husband's life, and in all of her family, friends and past co-workers lives. Her great generosity, energy and caring for others had transformed quite a few lives. If only she would have in turn, given herself the permission to grieve, to take in and receive all of the love and caring that was available to her instead of constantly running away from it all.
Life is a valuable and precious gift. It's only when we take the time to connect and be with our inner source that we can find peace and experience our true purpose. The light that we are so desperately seeking for at times, is to be found on the inner and not on the outer. Only this divine light can guide us out of the darkness that tries to swallow us up and cloud our hearts and souls.
My most profound prayer for you my beloved friend, is that you now be set free from the very illusion of darkness that clouded your heart and life. May you now find your way to the light, so that you may be truly free to soar above all of the pain and suffering and may you now be at peace. Love always, Ghislaine